Throwing The Gauntlet

This was my first selfie. I was on the phone with my mother while seated in a swivel chair in the art room at school. I needed a distraction from our conversation. I looked up and was fascinated to see me on the phone. I had my little camera with me so I pointed it at the mirror and took the photo, capturing a moment of self reflection.

The selfie is now commonplace but the photo still resonates with me. So much so that I am writing (or pretending to write) a novel called “Selfie” based on my experience teaching at an alternative high school.

I am having a hard time finishing the novel because I am terrified that after all the work it will be a failure. Which leads me to wonder what I mean by failure: No one will read it? It won’t make any money? It won’t be a bestseller? It will upset people I know? People won’t like the main character? I won’t feel happier about my accomplishments (my life) after having written it?

Yikes. This whole failure thing is rather complicated. I read Dorothea Brande’s book “Wake Up and Live!” which asks ‘what would you do if you knew you could not fail?’ It was a good read, but apparently I am still wrestling with the idea.

Perhaps I need to ask myself what my definition of success is? Perhaps I need to simply do the work as best I can and damn the consequences? So much about life and opportunity seems to rest on those consequences though.

But I have to do this. (I keep telling myself.)

It is October 25, 2018. A light rain is falling outside and the trees are turning. The dogs are going in and out of the dog door, Lydia the horse is hanging out on the porch, and several ducks are huddled on the bench outside. I have lots to do and a meeting to go to at noon. I have a remarkable number of legitimate excuses for not writing. In two months it will be Christmas day.

I hope by then I have written the book and I am ready for it to be a massive failure.

Then I will know if I am the person I want to be.

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