I keep looking for her

She left me quite sometime back
Life without her feels empty and dark
Without a word spoken
She had walked out leaving me broken

Most mornings I find it difficult to get off the bed
The thought of facing yet another day, I so dread
All that I see are dark clouds hovering over my head
I so desperately need help from a supportive friend
Instead, I am joined by my sudden and uncontrollable crying that has no end

Just when my body and soul need energy
The loss of appetite only adds to my misery
The tiniest task and activity now feels drudgery
With no zest and my interest waning to do anything
Many a time I am left wondering if my life is worth something

These thoughts keep sinking me into a state of hopelessness
Only for me to keep falling down into the dark abyss of emptiness
Anxiety and fear now surround me in pitch darkness
I need you my dear to come get me out of this vast blackness
And fill my soul with light, so I can say goodbye to this dark void of nothingness

Who is this dark monster I keep fighting and need to slay
Can someone help me overcome my despair one day
I don’t know how or where to find the strength
Without you my dear, life is all messed up and bent

I resolve to find her
Going to places we been together
Walking in the woods
Running by the river
Climbing up the mountains
Hurrying down the valley

I keep looking for her
Nowhere can I find her
It’s so hard living with this sadness, pain and fear
Why did you leave me Oh Dear

With you always by my side
Life was so easy to glide
Without you now, time stands still
Deep inside my heart, I keep dying little by little
The piercing pain and sadness now go for the kill

Weeks go by and your memory is fading into distance
So I resolve this morning to never forget your face
I clear up my head a bit to get into a better space
Suddenly I find a bit of comfort and solace

With this little change in mood, I decide to jog a mile
I am panting hard but it ain’t been this good in a while
At the river bottom I get down to drink some water
As I look into the water I see my reflection
I look closely and there I finally find her full of affection
When I see my smiling face in the reflection
I know that I finally found my “happiness”
And I can stop looking for her now

I then realize that she had never left me
She has always been inside me
It’s just that I had to let the dark clouds pass by
For my “happiness” to come into clear view and shine by
This moment is so beautiful and full of grace
I will savor the coming good times and be in a happy space
Until those blues come get me in the next phase

P.S. Over the past few years I have watched some close friends go through their struggles of depression. Listening to them gave me some understanding of what they experience when those blues hit them. A big thank you to a dear friend of mine who reviewed the initial draft and came up with suggestions based on her experiences related to depression.

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