When Meditation Became a Dead End

Despite a practice that seemed to be regressing in quality, I found myself ‘casually’ mentioning my daily hour-long sit at every opportunity. New acquaintances were duly impressed. Close friends considered me a ‘deep, spiritual thinker’ and asked for relationship advice. Ironically, what I most wanted continued to elude me: transformation of my quick temper and attitude of entitlement so I could keep a man.

Up to that point, I’d already accomplished much on my own: paleo-dieting from online articles, learning how to weld and play the cello from watching youtube videos. With meditation being such a simple-seeming activity, it was difficult to acknowledge a need for guidance from a living teacher. How else would I be able to avoid the dead-end roads and meandering pace of an increasingly disheartened practice?

In 2018, I moved to Northern California in pursuit of a relationship that quickly soured. Though my boyfriend and I parted ways, I was intrigued enough by the community he was part of to stick around. This small group of seekers, dedicated to an inward quest, centered around a teacher whose humble demeanor belied a depth of wisdom I have only gradually come to recognize.

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